just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
