i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
