I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
