Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
