You're a womanizer and a bitch.
id be glad to
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
