Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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