i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
