I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
