as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the day after is always just damage control
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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