I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
