I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
