i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
