i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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