everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
