i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
