I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
