my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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