I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
