I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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