I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
