i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
