I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
