So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
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I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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