I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
