Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
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There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
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i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You brought string cheese to the strip club
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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