So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
