I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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