I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
