lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
