:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
