Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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