after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
