We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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