Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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