I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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