yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
