i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I could make wine with my vomit
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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