By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
