Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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