I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
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When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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