just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
