Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
