my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
