You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
