Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
