no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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