laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
