If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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