you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
