you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
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Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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