Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
