I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
