do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I am midnight drunk by noon
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
