I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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