Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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