my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
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