There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
