When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He? As in you personified your dick?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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