What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
