There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
