Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
